


A love that is hopeless

by curiosa



Category: Digimon Adventure, Digimon Adventure tri.
Genre: M/M, Soul Bond, Soul Mate AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2019-10-28 10:24:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17785619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curiosa/pseuds/curiosa
Summary: At eighteen you must choose to opt in or out of the soul mark initiative. Choose to meet and be with the one who's marked your body with their own pain and shares all of your markings, or choose to become untethered and never meet your match. But what if you already know who it is that you want? And what if they don't feel the same way?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the TaiYamaValentine challenge for Kidhuzural.
> 
> Okay, so I hope this is something to your liking. I looked up all sorts of soul mate au's and the idea then took on a life of its own to well, you'll see when reading. I hope it doesn't disappoint.

The first time it happens Taichi is seven, kicking a ball around the park, his best shoes that his mother asked him not to go out in, already covered in scuff marks and dirt. He's absent mindedly watching Hikari, making her chase after the ball any time it goes too far out of his reach. Chubby toddler legs tumbling one after the other as she goes after the ball, arms pin wheeling like a crazy windmill around her, which is when she falls.

As far as siblings go, Hikari is alright, she's pretty quiet, doesn't break his toys and nine times out of ten, does anything Taichi asks of her. Which is why its so disturbing to hear the unearthly scream that tears out of her, her small body lying broken on the floor.

“Hikari!” When he reaches her side, he pulls her small hand into his own, turning her chin up to face him, her lips trembling as she screws her eyes shut tight.

“It hurts,” she whimpers, hand over her stomach as she twists and writhes on the floor. Taichi's guilt flares up like a lit match, he'd promised his mother that they wouldn't go further than the block of grass down below their apartments, insisting that Hikari hold his hand as they crossed the big road and walked all the way to the park.

Carefully, his hands pull back the soft shell pink top his sister is wearing to reveal an angry red line running all the way up her chest. There's no blood, no sign of trauma, but Hikari's twisting like their cat, Miko when she gets her claws caught up and snagged in the rug.

“Why?” she gasps, soft brown eyes coloured with pain.

Taichi realises what it is in a heartbeat, even though he's never seen it happen up close, fingers hovering over the enraged skin as he wishes it was anything else.

But it has to be a soul mark, it has to be.

People could feel a soul mark from birth, but most markings were incredibly rare up until about the age of ten. A soul mark was a wound or pain inflicted upon the skin of another person, a person you had never met, a person so connected to you in both mind and spirit, that you felt their pain as if it were your own and had it mark you. He remembers his parents rolling up the sleeves on their arms, his dad showing him the carved, wobbly pale pink line from elbow to wrist, a silver, almost invisible line mirrored in the exact same position on his mom.

It had been their lifeline they said, their red string of fate tying them together even to this day.

Back in the olden days it had been compulsive and it was practically unheard of to be with anyone other than your soulmate. But around about thirty or forty years ago, the government had brought in what was known as free choice, a decision to be made when you reached the age of eighteen. It was simple, choose to stay as you are, find your partner and be content, or choose to be untethered; a procedure which severed the ties between you and your other half.

Hunched on the floor and watching the pain that his little sister was going through, of which neither of them had the slightest bit of control, despite how happy he knew his parents were; Taichi couldn't understand why anyone would ever choose to not take free choice.

-

_Eleven years later..._

Yamato makes a sound, a bit like a rumble and a lot like a cry, Taichi can feel it in his mouth, over the long length of Yamato's throat, coming from his chest and vibrating up through Taichi's fingers. He smirks, pulling himself back a little from Yamato's flushed skin to say, “Sorry, did you say something?” Yamato's eyes flicker up to him and there's a flash of annoyance there, an irritated twist to his mouth before he grabs a hold of Taichi's hair and pulls him back down towards him. Taichi grins, teeth nipping at sensitive skin as he swirls his tongue along the line of Yamato's jaw before capturing his mouth and melting into him.

It's a bit like a game of push and pull and Taichi loves it, the sounds he can make come out of the otherwise mostly stoic Ishida boy. Yamato is hot and pliant beneath him, arching back his head as Taichi runs his fingers up his ribs and circles a nipple. Not that he hasn't got any fighting spirit in him, his hands moving over Taichi's groin before tightening right over a particularly sensitive spot.

“Ah,” Taichi hesitates, lost in the fire of desire that sparks behind his eyes. “No fair,” he stutters as Yamato releases him, coming up to grab a hold of Taichi's chin and kissing him slowly.

His eyes are bright as he stares at him, his mouth wet, “All is fair in --”

“Yamato?” A voice calls out to them.

Yamato groans, rolling his eyes and pulling himself out and away from Taichi's grip, his hands suddenly left cold and empty. He grabs his discarded shirt and throws it over his head, Taichi feeling a pang of disappointment as the pale flash of Yamato's skin is once more hidden and covered. He must see the look of disappointment, ruffling Taichi's hair as he walks away to open his door and shout back to his dad, or as Taichi now prefers to refer to him, the cockblocker.

“In here, dad. What's up?”

Hiroshi Ishida is kind of cool, he doesn't much care what his son is up to so long as it's not dangerous or illegal, and spends most of his time at work, mainlining cigarettes to get him through his day and coming home to his one nutritious and home cooked meal by his son. From what Taichi can figure out, their relationship is a bit of a role reversal with Yamato doing the majority of cooking and cleaning up and general mollycoddling.

“Just checking you're in,” he says, coming to the door and spotting Taichi through the crack. “Oh,” he colours, “you have company.”

Yamato shrugs his shoulders. “It's just Taichi, dad.” Taichi can see the irritation lining his shoulders, probably because his dad interrupted their session, maybe because his dad is acting like there was something going on? As far as Taichi is aware the two of them have always been pretty inconspicuous in each others home.

“You two want anything? I can get take out for dinner? Taichi, are you staying?”

Before Taichi can even open his mouth, Yamato interrupts him, “He's not, dad, but thanks anyway.”

“Yeah, thanks, Mr Ishida.” Taichi calls and waves, just as Yamato closes the door in his face before he can have a chance to continue. Taichi waits a beat as Yamato turns around and slumps against the door before saying, “What was that all about?”

“Huh?” Yamato runs long fingers through his hair, sweeping it off and away to the side and Taichi feels a curl of want as he remembers those same fingers pulling through his own hair just fleeting moments ago. “Oh, nothing.” he waves it away, Taichi knowing the conversation is closed unless Yamato decides that he wants or needs to talk about it.

“Right,” he says, unfurling his legs and moving to stand. He's irritated himself now, feeling Yamato closing down and pushing him out again. He starts to gather his belongings.

“Hey, what's the matter?” Yamato pushes away from the door, Taichi looking off to the side to avoid him. It's been happening more lately, this strange brush off, this almost reluctance to be seen together as if they've something to hide or... he runs a tired hand over his neck, hell, he doesn't even know.

“Nothing, but clearly you said I was going, so --”

He waits for a denial, an apology, anything but the stony silence he's come to expect.

“Really?” he asks, standing and waiting as Yamato stares back.

There's a look there, swirling, just coming to the front of his mind. Taichi waits and waits and nothing. “Well I'm off then.”

“You don't have to?”

“Funny,” Taichi says, “that's not what you just told your dad.” He can't help but keep the bite out of his tone, brushing past Yamato and walking out the room.

-

“So have you guys made your decision yet?” Mimi tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear, eyes focused between Sora and Taichi and waiting. She's still a year off the decision herself, so funnily she still finds it all fascinating instead of feeling like she's been bombarded with the same repetitive information for the past few months of her life. Needless to say, Taichi is over it.

Sora licks her lips and shrugs her shoulders. “It's a big decision.” Taichi can see the indecision warring across his friends face. What she says is true, at least if you hadn't decided from the age of seven, like Taichi did.

“I'm not doing it,” he says, throwing a handful of grapes into his mouth. The weather is gorgeous today, balmy with a swift breeze, warm enough that he doesn't need his blazer on, loosening his tie and leaning his head back.

“Oh,” Mimi says, blinking large, cinnamon eyes back up at him. “How come?”

“Mimi,” Sora admonishes. She's known Taichi's decision since about the age of ten, so it can't have come as any surprise to her, she's just being protective and well, Sora about everything, she probably thinks Mimi's being rude in just asking.

Taichi shifts in his seat, focusing back on Mimi. “Well what marks have you got?”

Mimi blushes, fingers hovering over the sleeve of her blazer., hesitant. “Well,” she clears her throat, “I've got one on my shoulder and one down my leg.”

Taichi nods, he knows she isn't going to reveal them to him, but it's enough that she trusts him to tell him their locations, he smiles back at her warmly, trying his best to put her at ease.

“And when you got them, did they hurt you?” For a moment, Mimi stays quiet, nose scrunching up and her eyes searching before she nods. Taichi shifts and shrugs, “Then how can something that's meant to make you happy? That's supposed to complete your life, cause so much pain in the process?”

Mimi opens her mouth and then closes it, staring back at him fishily as she digests what he's just said.

“Love isn't meant to be easy,” Sora interrupts them.

“Ah,” Taichi counters, “I never said easy, but is it meant to cause you so much pain?” He's had this argument with Sora before, many times, with neither side ending up the victor, that's why it's up to each individual's choice and despite the fact that he disagrees with it completely, he'd still support Sora in whatever choice she chooses to make. “Besides, why can't I choose who I want to end up with? What if I've already made that choice?” He thinks about Yamato as if he was sat beside him now, the way it'd be so easy to wrap his hand around his own, secure in the knowledge that they'd made the right choice between them.

Mimi takes a bite of her lunch, chewing on the conversation at the same time as her sandwich, “But what if they don't feel the same way about you?”

“What?” Taichi turns his head, the question throwing him. He thinks about it, feels all the air shift out of his chest. There's a warning there in the back of his mind, small, minute signs that could add up to a bigger picture and blow everything up. “What do you mean?”

“Well just because you feel that way about someone, doesn't mean that they feel the same way too. Isn't that why the soul mark initiative works? Because both sides have made that decision to be together from the start?”

“I--”

God, he hadn't even thought of that. How had it not even occurred to him that Yamato might not want the same thing as he does? But then surely that can't be possible... right?

Sora sighs, maybe because she can see Taichi spiralling at what Mimi's just so innocently said. She throws him a look before asking Mimi something, distracting her before she can ask or make another point.

Maybe it's silly of him, maybe it's completely round the twist, but he's never even wondered, never even felt the need to ask if Yamato feels the same way as he does.

But... could it even be possible?

That after all this time he's just assumed?

-

“Hey, what's up?”

Taichi looks up from his feet. “Huh?”

Yamato stops in his place. “You haven't said a word since we left school and usually it's a challenge just getting you to shut up.” Yamato's eyebrows furrow. “So what's wrong with you?”

“It's...” How is he supposed to bring this up? What exactly is he supposed to say? He was supposed to be meeting Yamato after his band practice at lunch, but he'd felt too confused with his own feelings to face him at the time, texting Yamato a quick message to say he'd meet up with him after school instead; giving himself both the time to calm down and focus on what he needed to say, or ask, later. And then there's the biggest fear he has, what if Yamato wants something different? “It's nothing.” He smiles quickly, Yamato's lips twisting down.

“Well I'm not buying that one. Look, are you coming in?” He turns to face Taichi, bending down to take off his shoes as he enters the Ishida apartment. He bargains with him, knowing exactly where to strike, “I'll make you a snack?”

Taichi shoulders his bag. He has two options, he can go home and dwell on his thoughts or he can build up his courage and maybe find out everything that he needs to know. Surely Yamato feels the same way? Even if he didn't before? He hasn't always been the most open with his feelings, but how could he want to just stop everything and give it all up? Nobody can just switch their feelings on and off like that, not even Yamato, surely?

“Sure,” he lets a smile take over his face. “So long as you make me that food you promised me.”

Yamato rolls his eyes, waiting for Taichi to follow him, taking off his blazer and tie and setting to making something delicious in his kitchen. Taichi will never tell him this, but Yamato is probably one of the best cooks he knows, granted he doesn't have much competition; his dad isn't one for cooking and his mom's attempts are usually best scraped straight into the trash can, but Yamato seems to have a knack of knowing exactly what ingredients to put together. He's even managed to teach Taichi a dish or two, something that Hikari is eternally grateful for.

They've come a long way from their first meeting and practically punching each other in the face. It had taken time and a handful of misunderstandings, a lot of angry words, but now Taichi couldn't imagine his life without Yamato in it. He knows, of course, that sometimes people remained friends afterwards, even after taking the soul mark choice, but it wouldn't be the same if Yamato chose to... how did you go from loving somebody, kissing them, touching them intimately, to keeping your distance, acting like everything between you just ceased to exist?

A plate of fresh spring rolls are placed down in front of him, the fragrant smell of spring onion and mint wafting to his nose. They're filled with green beans and prawns and already have Taichi's mouth watering. “How do you do it?” He picks up one of the delicate rice wraps, dipping it into some soy sauce before stuffing it in his mouth.

Yamato grins at the satisfied noises he's making, “Guess I'm just that good.”

Taichi nods, taking another bite. “What would I do without you?”

“Starve for one,” Yamato says, stretching forward to steal one for himself. “Now, are you going to talk to me?”

“Well...” Taichi makes his decision there and then, “Do you know what you're going to choose?”

Yamato's forehead wrinkles. “I only made the one kind.”

Taichi swallows, the delightful delicacy now sticking hard in his throat. “No, I mean... you know, the choice... free choice, or to be untethered. Have you made your decision yet?”

“Oh right,” Yamato sits forward, his body tense, “well,” the spring roll goes limp in his hand, a mint leaf falling to the floor beneath him. “Well sure, I guess. I made my decision ages ago.”

Taichi can feel his mouth go dry. “And?”

“And I'm choosing to meet my soul mark.”

Taichi waits a beat, two, before, “What?” He can feel the single word break in two as he says it.

“We've talked about this,” Yamato says, eyes shrinking in concern.

“No, no, we haven't.” Taichi shakes his head, his voice growing louder. He can feel his whole world imploding, feel the ground beneath his feet start to shake.

“I told you, my parents went for free choice, they chose to be untethered and look at how miserable it made them. I was there, they couldn't even stand the sight of each other in the end. I'm not... I won't put myself through that, or anyone else.” He sucks in a tight breath of air, his hand reaching out for Taichi's. “This, this has been --”

“I thought,” Taichi interrupts, moving to face him. “I thought _this_ was what you wanted?” Because it's definitely what he wanted, even from the start.

His hand closes around Taichi's own, his fingers damp and sticky. “It's not that it isn't,” he sighs, “It's just complicated, I guess.”

Taichi pulls his hand away like he's just been burnt. “How?” As far as he's concerned it's easy.

Yamato turns away. “It just is.”

“Right,” Taichi says, “so I'm just supposed to what, walk out of here? Forget this ever happened?”

Yamato turns back like he's been slapped, his eyes angry. “No, of course not. We've still got time yet anyway. Can't we just keep things the way they are for now?”

Like pretend? Taichi blinks, once, twice, not believing what he's hearing. He stands up, “No, no we can't,” he walks a couple of steps away before turning back. “At least I can't anyway... and I didn't think you could.”

And that's how he leaves it, his head a mess as he walks out the door, his hands shaking.

Yamato doesn't stop him and he doesn't try to follow him either, and despite the fact that he's now got his answer, that he now knows the truth, there's a bigger part of him wishing that he'd just kept his big mouth shut.

-

“What have you done now?” Hikari's face hangs upside down in front of him, her hair tickling his forehead.

“Me? Nothing.” He had walked home the long way, walking around the park area as he tried his best to clear his head. _Had_ they had that conversation? Had Taichi just refused to listen? Was he not obvious with his feelings from the start? Okay, maybe not the start, but recently?

Hikari turns the right way up, taking a seat on the chair opposite him and smoothing out her school skirt. “You're sure?” Her eyes narrow. “You've been moping about since you got home and you're wearing your 'I've done something terrible' face.” She pulls her face into a sad clown like effect.

Taichi tuts. “I don't have that face.”

Hikari's look says otherwise, and she's not going to give up until he tells her something.

Yamato has text him once since, a simple let's talk, and Taichi, so far, has chosen to ignore the message. He doesn't want to go over the same argument they've already had, not without first doing some thinking, not without being clear on his own choice.

“Do you,” he clears his throat. “Do you ever regret not being given the choice to remain tethered?”

Whatever Hikari is expecting it clearly isn't that. Her fingers play a swift beat on her knees as she tilts her head to one side before saying honestly, “No.”

“You don't?”

Hikari shrugs. “Why would I? I've never known any different really and this way I get to make the choice for myself. No system to choose for me. One hundred percent me choosing my own life.”

It was extremely rare but in some unique cases were one or more was shown to be suffering heavily, or at least more than necessary, you could choose to be untethered early, severing that connection with your soulmate at a younger age than was usually deemed safe for either party. Their parents had chosen to do so with Hikari, that first instance at age four being only the first of many soul marks taking place before they had decided that enough was enough. She'd never seemed to suffer since, in fact as soon as the tie had been severed, Hikari had truly started to live her life. There had been no known side effects, none of the ugly rumours people whispered about taking place, his sister was incredible, a sensitive, smart and caring young lady.

“Are you having second thoughts?” A small hand lands on his shoulder.

“Huh?” Taichi shakes his head. “No, no.” At least he didn't think he was having second thoughts. He just had to try and persuade someone else in the long run. If that was even possible at this stage...

“Well if you want to talk.” She squeezes his hand, getting up from the sofa and heading back towards the fridge for a snack, leaving Taichi alone to his wandering thoughts and confusion.

-

He spends the next day avoiding Yamato completely, thankfully they don't have any classes together and instead of waiting around for him to finish band practice like he usually would, Taichi plays a game of soccer at lunch. The adrenaline is good for him, taking his mind off all his tumultuous and spinning thoughts. Oh, who is he kidding? All he can think about is Yamato.

Is he thinking about him? Is he missing him? Does he regret anything that he said?

He's got five missed calls from last night and one text message asking him to please answer his god damn phone. The thing is, he doesn't know what to say to him. He doesn't even know where to begin.

In the beginning, it'd been a bit of fun, okay, no, it had been a shock. Yamato Ishida was the kind of guy that people dreamed of, handsome, could cook, played in a band, cool and aloof; the kind of guy that gave you butterflies in your stomach if he so much as looked your way, let alone smiled at you, and Taichi was lucky enough to be his best friend. He knew the Yamato who blushed when he made a mistake, who made jokes and snorted when he laughed, who really wasn't as well put together as anyone would assume. Never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined that their friendship could develop into something more, something deeper, and sure at first it had just been something electric and hot between the pair of them. Quick, chaste kisses as hands and fingers explored in dark corners and messy bedrooms, sessions getting longer and more frequent, time spent together becoming not long enough. Then somewhere along the line Taichi had developed feelings, it wasn't just concerning lust or sex, but that he wanted all of Yamato, every single part of him, and the truth was that he then never wanted to let go.

He'd assumed Yamato felt the same way, there had been no question in his mind, Yamato loved him and when push came to shove there'd be no option in becoming untethered, because deep down they were already tethered themselves. But then of course everything had come crashing down as Yamato admitted that he'd never felt the same way all along, that what mattered most to him was choosing someone else.

His phone buzzes, Yamato again, his thumb hovers for a second before swiping decline.

He knows he has to face him at some point and he can't avoid him forever, but he needs to get his thoughts in order before he sees him and right now he just needs some space.

-

Space lasts up until the next day when he's grabbing his math textbook out of his locker and a familiar arm strikes out, hitting the metal with a clang and scaring the life out of him.

“What the hell?”

“My thoughts exactly,” Yamato grunts, his jaw is clenched and his eyes are hooded, softening the second Taichi turns to face him. “Look,” he sighs, lowering his arm so that, if he wanted to, Taichi could stride past him and escape. He doesn't. Yamato is that close he can smell the polish he sometimes uses to wipe down his guitar, the slight citrusy scent of fading body spray he uses first thing in the morning. “Can we talk? Please?”

Taichi swallows thickly. “Have you thought about what you said?” He avoids looking at him. “Have you changed your mind?”

Yamato closes his eyes, dark eyelashes sweeping his cheeks. “It's not as easy as that and you know it. Have _you_ changed your mind?” The words are angry and desperate and meant to hurt.

Taichi feels his fists clench tightly. “Look, this is getting us nowhere.”

“You not talking to me is getting us nowhere.” Which is true, but Taichi's not about to admit that.

As far as he's concerned it's simple. “Do you want to be with me?”

Yamato shakes his head. “This isn't the place or time.” He eyes the people around them, nobody paying the slightest bit of attention to their conversation so far. Taichi grabs his wrist and pulls him into the nearest store cupboard, the two of them pressed tightly together amongst the cleaning supplies, brushes and mops.

He asks the question again, “Do you want to be with me?”

Yamato's lips waver, opening and closing as indecision wars across his face. “Yes, but --”

That's all the answer he needs as far as he's concerned. Taichi moves then, his hand curling around the back of Yamato's neck, thumb sweeping back and forth across his hairline as he closes the minimal distance between them, crushing his lips to Yamato's and licking his way into his mouth. They fit together like they've never been apart, Yamato adjusting in the little space they've got to allow Taichi even closer, melting together like they're one whole part. He's not wearing his blazer so Taichi has easy access to Yamato's crumpled shirt, fingers diving underneath and stroking the sensitive skin of his stomach and hips. There's a soul mark there, one Taichi's kissed a thousand times before, a thin and wobbly line that could be an appendix scar or something similar, he traces his fingers over it and Yamato shivers, putty in his hands. He's missed this truth be told, it's only been a couple of days but he can't even begin to imagine what a whole lifetime would feel like.

He doesn't want to either.

“I've missed this,” Taichi mutters, kissing his way slowly down Yamato's neck. “I've missed you.”

“I know, but--”

“Ah,” Taichi stops, dragging his gaze back up towards Yamato's face. This isn't what he wants to hear. “This, us, we're good together.”

Yamato's gaze slides away and his hand tightens around Taichi's own. His voice is slow and quiet as he says, “But it doesn't mean we're meant to be.”

Taichi scoffs, a bark of laughter escaping his throat. “Who says we aren't?”

“This,” and Yamato grabs Taichi's shirt collar, he's already got a few buttons open, no tie, so he has no problem yanking it down to expose his collarbone where one of his own soul marks sits. “And this,” he grabs Taichi's hand and has it retrace the mark across his stomach. “And this,” but this time Taichi stops him, grabbing a hold of his hand and forcing him to stop.

“Why does any of that matter? They're marks, lines.” He knows his voice is getting desperate. “It's what you think in here that matters,” and he points to his own head, “and in here.” and he moves his hand to cover Yamato's heart. He can feel it beating rapidly beneath his fingers, beating in time and just as fast as Taichi's own.

“I can't.” Yamato says. “I'm not going to change my mind, Taichi. I'm sorry.”

Taichi feels a sob escape his throat, something between a strangled groan and a cry of pain. “Please, Yama. Don't do this.” He moves both hands to wrap around Yamato's own but he's already prying them apart.

“Taichi,” Yamato's voice is broken. “This isn't what I wanted.”

“But you won't change your mind?”

Slowly, he shakes his head. Taichi's hands falling limp at his side.

“I didn't mean for any of this to happen.”

“But it did... I love you.”

Yamato's eyes widen. “Taichi, wait” he takes a step forward but Taichi brushes him off. He reaches for the door and then turns back to Yamato once more. “Just don't, okay.”

He smiles or at least tries to.

“Just don't.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

_Five days later_

He spends the next three days saying that he's sick, which means crawling under his bed covers and refusing to leave his room. So his day pretty much consists of sleeping, tossing and turning and genuinely feeling pretty shitty about himself. The thing is he _feels_ sick, his stomach hurts as does his chest and the last thing he wants to do is to face the outside world or anything beyond his bedroom.

Hikari enters his hovel on the fourth day, opening up his curtains and leaving him to hiss at the streaming sunlight now directly in his face. “Hikari,” he whines, turning his back quickly and throwing the covers over his head.

“How are you feeling?” she completely ignores him, her voice light and upbeat and god he wishes he still had enthusiasm like that.

“Awful.” His heart beats with a thump and forces him to remember his pain once again.

“Well you're not sick.” He feels her hand take a hold of his cover and peel it back slowly.

He turns around, bleary eyed and blinking.

“I spoke to Takeru.”

Oh.

“And?” He can't quite keep out the tiny flicker of hope that lights at the mention of Yamato's brother.

“And he tells me that Yamato came down with a bug,” she eyes him then, lips twisting down, “and that he's gone monosyllabic level ten.”

He lets out a grunt of his own. “Sounds like Yamato.”

Hikari sighs. “You don't mean that and you know it.” She's right, he doesn't and even to his own ears it sounds petty and well... it's maybe a little bit nice to hear that all of this has affected Yamato too, at least it sounds that way, doesn't it?

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Taichi shrugs, not that Hikari can see the movement, swamped as he is by his bed sheets. “I thought he was the one and I thought he felt the same way.”

Hikari stays silent, blinks, “And he doesn't?”

Taichi pulls himself up to face her. “He wants to find his match, he wants to become tethered.” And when his voice breaks at the end she doesn't judge him.

Instead Hikari finds his hand and squeezes it.

“Well maybe he just needs some time and space. It doesn't sound like he's convinced about his decision. Not if he's acting the same way you are.”

Taichi allows himself to fall back against the bed, his head hitting his pillow. He doesn't want to get his hopes up, he doesn't want to believe there's a chance, however slim it might be. Hikari's hands slap her thighs, “Well slouching around here isn't going to change his opinion.” She moves to stand up. “This isn't you, Taichi, and you know it. Come and eat something, it'll make you feel better.”

“Did mom--?”

Hikari sniggers. “I went to the shops, don't panic, she hasn't been cooking.” She stage whispers the last part, eyes flicking to the partially opened door as she gets up to leave him.

“Hikari?” She turns back, one eyebrow raised in question.

“Do you think--” his voice stutters so he clears his throat to repeat the question. “Do you think there's a chance that he could...? He's not even sure how to finish that sentence, change his mind? Realise he was wrong? Actually love him?

Hikari rocks back and forth on her heels. “I don't think I'm the one who can answer that.” Taichi drops his head and bites his lip. “But I also don't think you're going to find the answer you want by lying in here all week either.”

-

The next morning he gets up at a reasonable time, showers and stuffs some food down his throat. He's feeling better in the sense that he's actually made it out of his bed covers, but feeling sick to his stomach at the thought of seeing Yamato at school. _If_ he's at school because from what Takeru has told Hikari it sounds like he's moping, which could be a good sign or not? Maybe there's the tiniest, slimmest hope that Yamato does have feelings for him, strong enough to make him change his mind anyway.

Hikari slides down across from him at the kitchen table and grins. “You already look better,” she delicately picks at her own breakfast, sipping on some green tea by her side. “Show him what he's missing.” Taichi raises his eyebrows and winks, that's what he's planning on, or at least he hopes. “This came for you yesterday.” She slides across a letter, a blue, manilla envelope and Taichi feels his pulse spike considerably; he already knows exactly what this is.

He carefully opens the envelope up, sliding out the cream coloured paper and scanning the typed writing, two weeks from now, his appointment date, his decision to be tethered or untethered. More calmly than he feels, he slides the paper back inside and takes the envelope to his room, leaving it on his bed where it'll be a stark reminder to him later.

Two weeks to hopefully change Yamato's mind.

Time is running out for them.

-

Sora eyes him over the classroom, eyebrows rising as she makes her way over.

She throws him a tired smile and sits next to him waiting. “I saw Yamato this morning.”

“Oh?” He tries to be nonchalant and ends up anything but.

“He looks like you.”

Taichi blinks at her. “And is that a good thing or--”

“Definitely bad. You might have brushed your hair this morning.” Taichi swipes a hand through his hair, trying his best to tame it, even when it's wild and unruly at the best of times. “He was very, um, stormy.”

“That sounds like Yamato.”

“True,” Sora nods, “but even more so, I'd say, there was more grunting than usual.”

“Ah, I see.”

She fiddles with her fingers for a minute. “So do you want to talk about it?”

Taichi bites his lip and shuffles in his seat. “Not yet, maybe later.” He shrugs, “but no, not yet.”

“Fair enough,” Sora says, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Did you get the letter?”

She doesn't need to elaborate as Taichi knows exactly what letter she's on about. He swallows thickly, feeling time tick away faster than his heart beat.

“I still don't know,” she says. “At least, I don't think I do.” Taichi nods. He's been decided for so long, and yet now, after everything with Yamato there's maybe a tiny niggling onset of doubt festering away inside of him.

“You'll get there,” he says and Sora smiles shyly back at him. “You'll know exactly what you want to do.”

-

After school he has a match with his soccer team which is great as it takes his mind off the fact that he hasn't seen even a glimpse of Yamato all day out of his mind. Instead he focus on his game, blocking out everything but the sound of his feet hitting the grass and the sound of the crowd cheering. He's on his A game, tearing up and down the field, tackling like a pro and stealing the ball from his opponents with ease, his feet dancing around them as the ball slips from their grasp and into his like butter. He's scored two goals by the halfway point and his team members crowd around him on the bench, punching and patting him on the back like if they touch him his good luck just might rub off on them.

Which just goes to show what they know.

As the full time whistle blows they win four to one, three of which were scored by Taichi as his teammates surround him, crowding him tightly. He's sweating, feeling great and celebrating is definitely on the cards for later.

“You have to come out with us,” Kannon says, rubbing a towel through his damp hair. The team usually grabs a bite to eat after a good game, Taichi more often than not joins them too but not always, Yamato's band practice usually lets out about the same time and before he'd quite often choose to meet up with him instead, the two of them celebrating in their own unique way that well, is definitely an improvement on a slice of pizza.

He imagines Yamato's nearly done, setting back his guitar and and shutting off all the sound equipment. He won't be waiting for Taichi this time though.

Taichi dries off his own hair, slicking it back to rest against his head. “I think I will actually.”

It's a choice between that or going home to mope some more anyway.

Kannon grins at him, “Maybe even some drinks after? You played amazing, mate.”

Taichi beams. He's proud of his work today, not that he doesn't always give it his all, but tonight felt like he had something to prove and he feels like he's done that. He looks up at Kannon, “You know I think I at least deserve that.”

-

They end up in an _Izakaya_ , one that Taichi's been to before with Yamato but he's not letting that spoil his night out in the slightest, most of the team have come with them, some dwindling off after a bite to eat, but a few still left to have a drink and some more food and to make a bit of a night of it. His head is just slightly spinning, feeling a bit light headed as he turns his head to follow conversation, Kannon's not stopping the flow of drinks, topping up Taichi's glass as soon as it looks like it might soon be empty. He looks a little worse for the wear himself, his eyes glazed as he tips his head back to bare his throat and laughs deeply.

“To our captain,” he says, raising his glass as the rest of the team follow and Taichi basks in all the glory. He's missed this, the camaraderie, the celebration, it might be the heady fizz of alcohol hitting his head, but he feels like he's on a real high and floating. Which is of course the moment that he spots _them_ , and his heart plummets, Takeru and Yamato walking through the door, Yamato wearing that smirk smile of his that sets Taichi's heart racing.

“Shit.”

“What?” Kannon sidles over, eyeing what Taichi's looking at and mouth dropping. “Hey, isn't that-”

“Yeah,” Taichi places his hand over Kannon's arm to stop him.

“Aren't you two friends? Or... well...” He goes silent waiting for Taichi to fill in the blanks. “Should I invite him over?”

Taichi watches the pair of them grab a table, Yamato glancing around the room until his eyes fall on their group, his gaze falling on Taichi's arm and its placement as his eyebrows rise just ever so slightly. Taichi can't tell what he's thinking, if anything, he debates on whether to move his hand and then thinks no, fuck it. He turns to Kannon, “Nah, we're having fun, right? Besides we're not... well...” he really doesn't want to say it's complicated.

Kannon smiles. “Show him what he's missing?” Taichi doesn't say yes but he doesn't say no either. “I'll get us another drink then, make this a party.”

-

He's past the point of no return and he knows it.

He feels boneless, his head spinning and he can feel the heavy stare of Yamato at a point right in the middle of his back, burning him. He's been spying glances at any opportunity he can get, watching his long denim clad legs under the table, the way his hand sweeps through his hair every so often, blond strands catching the light and glowing golden.

More of his team mates have dwindled off now, leaving pretty much just him, a couple of others and one Kannon. In fact he's not sure how he's this drunk when his friend seemingly isn't, but he's thanking whoever's watching over him that he at least doesn't have school tomorrow. He throws another look at Yamato whose gaze leaves him quicker than a struck match lighting up on contact. Taichi sighs, rubbing a hand through his hair and probably spiking it all up, his fingers sticky with alcohol. He grabs his glass, downing the last of the liquid and feeling his throat burn bitter. He gets up to walk and feels his legs wobble beneath him, laughing as he falls into his table just as Kannon's arms come round to grab him round the middle.

“Whoa.” His breath is hot against his ear, thick and heavy with the sweet and sour smell of whatever he's been drinking. His words are slightly slurred as he laughs, “Hey, hey, watch where you're going there, captain.”

“Oops,” Taichi says, steadying himself against Kannon. He tries to blink the dizziness out of his eyes, wanting his limbs to coordinate so that he can make it out to get some fresh air. “I just need to--”

“Hey, I got you,” Kannon's hand rubs up and down his arm slowly and it takes a few moments to register what he thinks he's up to. He tries to pull away and ends up banging back against the table, great, once the alcohol has rubbed off that's going to hurt like hell tomorrow. Kannon's hand travels up to cup the side of his face, his thumb stroking the line of his jaw softly. His eyes travel to where Yamato's sitting, “Should we give him something to be jealous about now?” Kannon's smiling, his eyes bloodshot red and Taichi wants to say no, say something, but his tongue is so heavy in his mouth and his brain so slow at reacting.

Kannon's hand spreads around his lower back, his hand right above and pressing at his waistline, his fingers circling the soft skin at his back. Despite his legs being blocked, Taichi pushes back again, says, “This isn't,” and Kannon laughs, his head dipping closer to Taichi's, the grain of his stubble harsh against him, his nails digging into the skin of his back, bruising, and then just like that he's pulled sharply away from him.

Taichi sucks in a breath, his heart beating fast against his ribcage in panic and then it's Yamato stood in front of him, his back towards Taichi right now as he argues with Kannon. “I think he's had more than enough,” his voice is steady, calm, but there's a tension in his shoulders, a tight line that could snap at any second. Yamato turns back to face him, one steady hand landing on his shoulder. “I think it's about time we got you home.”

Taichi nods as Kannon tries to break the two of them up, to come between them. “You wanna stay right, captain?”

Taichi makes a humming noise, his mouth still not connecting with his brain but Yamato's already pulling on his arm to lead him out. Once they're outside the bar the cold air hits him and he gains back the use of his vocal chords. “Hey,” he shrugs Yamato's grip off of his arm, staggering out and almost falling over.

“What the hell are you doing?” Yamato sounds angry, which is a bit of a cheek when he's not the one that's been frogmarched out in front of everyone.

He huffs, “Me?” and leans over, hands against his knees to steady himself. “What are you--” he tries to point, heat and dizziness hitting his head, “you doing?”

“Saving you from doing something stupid.” He hooks his arm around Taichi's. “You're welcome by the way.”

“Pfft,” the sound is childish and it's how he feels right now; small and silly and really, really sick. He wrenches himself away from Yamato.

“That guys been making eyes at you for the last two years and you go and get paralytic with him the first chance you get?” His voice is tense but there's an undercurrent of hurt there. “He was just about to--”

He makes a pssh noise and much more spit comes out then he means it to. “He's just a friend.”

“Well he wasn't being a very good one.”

“Careful, Yamato, you almost sound jealous.”

Yamato opens and closes his mouth, his face red, his hands curved fists before he shakes his head. “You're being an ass”

Taichi stands up straight, inhaling, “Well at least he _wants_ me.” Yamato's face crumples in as Taichi continues. “You, you're --” And that's when his head spins, his mouth flooding with water before what feels like the entire lot of drinks he's consumed tonight return with a vengeance. He falls to his knees, bone hitting the kerb with a dull pain that will definitely make itself better known tomorrow morning.

In just a few seconds he feels Yamato sidle up to him, one hand rubbing small circles on his back and the other brushing the hair back from his sweaty head. God, he feels stupid.

“You feeling better now?”

He tries to stand straight, wretches and says, “No.”

Yamato sighs. “Come on, lets get you home.”

Taichi stands up and leans against him, god he's never felt so sick and stupid. “I live that way,” he points the opposite way to where they're walking.

“I'm not taking you home in this state. Your dad'll think I got you like this. No thank you. You can sleep it off at mine, okay?”

For the first time since he was hauled out of the bar, Taichi realises Takeru isn't with them. “Where's Takeru?” He turns his head and gets hit by a wave of nausea and decides against further looking.

“He left about an hour ago. I don't think me staring at you getting rat assed was much company.”

Taichi shuffles his feet. “You could have left too.” He wouldn't have blamed him. Hell, he'd probably been out of that door faster then – he remembers the feel of Kannon's slick fingers on his too hot skin – okay, no, he probably would have stayed too.

Yamato turns to look at him, his face unreadable. “Well I'm glad I didn't and I'm not sorry.”

Taichi waits a beat and then hums. “Me too. And _I'm_ sorry.” He's already sobering up, the fresh night air hitting his face, the heavy taste of regret now filling the back of his mouth.

The walk back is calming, filled with small stops as Taichi feels his stomach start to heave again, Yamato at his side every time as he helps to keep him steady. At this point all he wants is his bed. Yamato finds him some spare clean clothes, shoving him into the bathroom to wash his face and his teeth. By the time Taichi sways out he's found him a glass of water and a bucket by the bed, “Just in case.”

Taichi closes his eyes, feels his head spinning and scrambles into bed. Yamato's curled up beside him, there's enough room for the both of them with space in between and it feels like at this point that the stretch between them is a canyon. He so desperately wants to stretch out his hand, curl his fingers around Yamato's own, tuck his hand into the warm stretch of skin on his stomach.

Yamato turns the light off and Taichi waits a few seconds before lightly squeezing his hand and whispering, “Thank you.”

-

He wakes up, legs and arms twisted in the sheets and an otherwise empty bed to greet him. Carefully he pushes himself up into a sitting position, wincing as his head protests at the movement.

Yamato's room is like no other teenage boys he's ever known, everything is tidy and clean and has it's own space, no clothes littering the floor from the night, or week before, no leftover dishes that he's been too lazy to remove for days. It's remarkable really. There's no sign of Yamato though, or any of his movements this morning and clearly he either moved about like a mouse or, much more likely, Taichi was so dead to the world that he slept through any noises. There's a spare pair of jeans and a t-shirt on the side, a note saying he's welcome to borrow them. Taichi gets up, cleans his teeth again, washes himself and then wrinkles his nose at the choice of clothes waiting, it's the thin, skin tight jeans that Yamato tends to favour, that, alright _he_ looks amazing in and leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination, but personally Taichi prefers a little room to breathe. Still, beggars can't be choosers and he really doesn't fancy putting last nights vomit and drink stained clothes back on him. In fact maybe he should burn them? Thinking about last night brings it all rushing back to him and he feels even more of an idiot now that a load of alcohol isn't dulling his brain or senses.

There's a lot of banging going on in the kitchen and Taichi wonders whether Yamato just got up and didn't leave the apartment in order to avoid Taichi and his pitiful grovelling. He creeps out the door, closing it softly and walks in to find Hiroaki Ishida creating more mess than even Taichi thought possible.

He turns around, “Ah, Mr Yagami.” There's a grin on his face that says he knows exactly how he's feeling. “And how are we this wonderful morning?”

Taichi rubs the side of his head. “Better than I was last night, I guess?” He pauses, “Is Yamato?”

“Out, I'm afraid. Early band practice.” Taichi nods, feeling a curdle of guilt and disappointment sit heavy in his stomach. “Don't rush off though, I've created the ideal Ishida hangover cure.” He winks, “It's helped me a lot over the years and even my oldest son has had to use it on the odd occasion.” He bumps the kitchen table with his hip. “Sit down, sit down, I've been meaning to talk to you.”

Taichi takes a seat, grimacing at both the pulpy green looking concoction that Hiroaki places in front of him and at the fact that he _wants to talk_ to him.

There's a slight whiff of burning and Hiroaki turns around, grabbing a spoon and quickly stirring the giant pot of whatever it is that he's cooking. “Do you want some help, Mr Ishida?”

He lifts up the spoon coated in a thick, rich gravy and waves it back and forth, liquid splashing both on the floor and on the walls in front of him. Yamato will go ballistic. “Ah, no, just took my eyes off the ball for a minute.” He stirs vigorously, “It's all under control though and will be ready in a minute.”

Taichi swallows. Most of the time he can eat just about anything but he wonders if it would be possible to politely excuse himself before Hiroaki dishes out whatever the hell it is that he thinks he's cooking. It smells, well it smells alright, but there's a reason Yamato knows just about how to cook anything, and it isn't just because he enjoys the whole process.

“Right, here we are!” Hiroaki wallops down a plate of what looks like breakfast curry topped with crispy looking eggs. He takes a seat across from him. “Eat up, eat up. The eggs are a little bit... well charred, but don't let that fool you.”

Taichi winces. There is no getting out of this. Picking up his chopsticks and diving in, the egg yolk is surprisingly still runny and pops on first contact, golden liquid oozing all over the meat and gravy of the curry. He takes a bite, holds it in his mouth for a couple of seconds and swallows. The taste is rich, calming and surprisingly tasty. There's a comfort to it that calms his stomach, settling any twisting and twinges that still rule his stomach.

“Wait for it,” Hiroaki says and Taichi turns to him alarmed, a spice heating the back of his mouth unexpectedly and burning the whole of his tongue. Hiroaki grins and bangs his hand down hard on the table. “Go on, drink!” Taichi turns to the green swamp juice and reluctantly takes a gulp full. It's not overly bad, definitely not what he was expecting and there's still a heat in his mouth that only another gulp full will extinguish.

“Good, huh?”

Taichi nods slowly, realising that actually he's feeling a lot brighter and clear headed thanks to Hiroaki's concoctions. “Surprisingly good.”

Hiroaki beams. “An ancient Ishida recipe. I've still got a few tricks up my sleeves.” He lets Taichi eat, taking in food and then calming down the heat with his drink/smoothie swamp juice. “So you and my son?”

Taichi chews slowly, carefully placing down his chopsticks when he's finished. Hiroaki waits patiently and then rubs his forehead. Taichi can imagine what's coming, it makes his stomach begin to swirl all over again.

“What the hell is going on with you two?”

Well he can answer that truthfully now. “Nothing, we're just friends.” He shrugs, he's not even sure that he'd call them that lately.

Hiroaki sighs. “I may not be the best cook or cleaner, or always there when everything counts, but I damn well know my own son and if what you two have is _just friends_ , then well, I may as well hang up my investigative hat right now, son.”

Taichi sits back, speechless. “Well...”

“Well?” Hiroaki raises an eyebrow.

Taichi feels a lump form in his throat. “I honestly don't know. Well no, I do, but--”

Hiroaki rolls his eyes. “He's an idiot.” Taichi blinks. “We talked about this, you know, and I thought, well I thought I'd managed to get through to him. I guess the apple really doesn't fall from the tree, huh.” He shakes his head again. “Nancy and I were great together until we weren't, but we had happy times together and two wonderful sons together and I wouldn't change that for the world. I really thought I'd managed to get through to him, to make some sense.”

Taichi sits and listens, not sure if the information he's being given is causing his head to spin or if it's still the after effects of last night.

“I didn't want...” he taps his fingers on the table, “I still want, but, it's up to him and...” he hates how inarticulate he's being.

“Listen son, I said my peace and I thought I'd managed to knock some sense into him.” He rolls his eyes. “Stubborn, he gets that off me I'm afraid.” He moves to clear Taichi's bowl and then stops. “Just... don't give up on him just yet, give him some space, some time. I know my son and I know he's never happier then when he's with you.” He picks up the bowl again. “He's able to think clearly sometimes and he doesn't get that one off me, that one definitely came off his mother.”

-

_Three days later_

He has a lot to think about in those days in between. In the end he'd helped Hiroaki tidy up the mess he'd created, one less thing for Yamato to do later, gathered up his belongings and headed home. He'd sent Yamato a quick text message to say thank you, receiving one back later to say no problem, a smiley face and a threat that he had better damn well get his clothes back. After that he leaves it, doing what Hiroaki suggested and giving Yamato some space. If he's any luck it'll give him the head space he needs and he'll come to the decision that he's made the wrong choice before it's too late to go back on anything, after all time is running out quickly.

He keeps going over Hiroaki's words that morning, the only thing keeping him going, managing to keep that hope alive. There's still a chance, he tells himself, smiling and giving a small wave to Yamato as he passes him in the corridor at school. There's still a possibility that he'll change his mind.

“What's going on with you two?” Sora nudges him over lunch, catching Taichi staring as Yamato walks over to the school's music room, guitar slung over his shoulder, his shirt loose.

Taichi rolls back his shoulders, “Nothing much.” Which is the truth really, even if he wants it very much to be the opposite.

“So you're definitely...” she lets the sentence drift off, never being one to pry too much into anyone else's business.

“We're definitely still friends and just friends, if that's what you're meaning.” he shrugs, “I'm trying my best to give him his space.”

“Ah,” Sora nods, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Hoping that he'll come to his senses.”

Taichi smiles. Sora always knows more than she lets on. “Something like that I guess.”

“It's not easy,” she says, turning once again to face him. “On the one side you have surety, you know that you have that security, that other half to fall back on; the one that's meant to be. It can't go wrong, can it?” She pauses, tilting her head to the side. “But in the end is it really your choice? What if it's the safe choice? What if you could have had something much, _much_ more?”

“What if who you want decides they don't want you though? Is it safer? Is it better to go with the safe choice then?” If Yamato goes with his current choice, would it be better for Taichi to choose that choice too? All of his romantic future laid out before him? Yamato left in the past, old photographs and memories to stay treasured but rarely looked over?

Sora squeezes his hand lightly, leaving Taichi to his thoughts.

-

_Eight days later_

It's a good training session if by the end of it he's sweating and feeling that particular burning sensation in his legs. Taichi takes down a gulp of his water, picking up his towel and rubbing it through his hair and around the back of his neck.

“Looks like you had fun out there?”

Taichi turns to find Yamato smirking, long legs crossed one over the other as he leans against a wall.

“Hey,” Taichi offers back, smiling. It's not that they've been avoiding each other but at the same time neither of them have been actively seeking the other out either. “Yeah it was, where you,” he clears his throat. “Where you watching?”

“Some of it,” Yamato sniffs, “you looked good out there.” Taichi nods. He doesn't want to break this moment, whatever it is that's hanging between them now feels delicate, fragile, he doesn't want to go and put his big foot in it by saying the wrong thing. “Do you want to get a drink?”

Taichi does, he really, really does, but he's got clean up to do and shower. He looks back towards the other guys who are tidying away the ground equipment. Tada sees him and waves him on. “We've got this!” Yamato smiles and then spots Kannon among them, keeping his head down and picking up some bits.

“Has he bothered you since?”

Taichi sniffs, swiping himself once again with his towel. “Nah, he took the road of 'I was so drunk, I can't remember' and has pretty much avoided me since then.”

“Ass.” Yamato says, eyeing him with a snarl. “So are you up for a drink then?”

“Sure. Just let me get a quick shower first?”

Yamato's nose wrinkles. “Of course, I'll wait here for you.”

Ten minutes later, skin and hair still damp, Taichi walks out to meet Yamato. “So what's up?”

Yamato shrugs, walking in the direction of one of their favourite haunts of a coffee shop. “I just thought maybe we could chat, catch up... I feel like I've hardly seen you lately.”

Taichi feels a shiver run through him. He tries to tamper it down and keep his emotions in check. This could easily turn into his biggest nightmare. “For what it's worth I've missed you.” Because a little bit of honesty can't hurt, can it?

Yamato turns to look at him and nods. “Me too.” He sighs. “Look I never, well I never meant for any of this to happen.”

“Okay.” There's two different ways this could go and he can feel his palms begin to itch with anticipation.

“I know that I miss you,” he's twisting his hands together, fingers rubbing up and down. He always has been uncomfortable with big displays of emotion, it's just not his style, though he is always honest and sincere when he needs to be. “I don't know, it feels like everything's a mess.” He laughs then, short and sharp and almost angry. His fingers tightening into a fist.

“Hey, hey,” Taichi reaches out to grab a hold of his hand, loosening his fingers and threading his own through them. “You okay?”

“Sorry,” Yamato lightly squeezes back his hand, his skin so cold to the touch that Taichi's must be burning him. He doesn't say anything more and after a moment Taichi moves to take back his hand. “Wait.” Taichi nods, allowing Yamato to rub his thumb over his wrist back and forth. He takes a step forward and in the next second Yamato is kissing him, one hand closing around his wrist and the other curling around his waist, pulling Taichi towards him.

He pulls back to look at Taichi. “I saw you on that field,” and then he moves forward to put his lips against Taichi's throat. “And I wanted you.” Taichi's eyes widen at that and not just because of the way Yamato's tongue is swirling against his skin.

“You do?” he tries his best to cough out, “But I thought?”

“I've not changed my mind.” His mouth stills then and it's a heartbeat before he speaks again. “I don't think... I mean I know that... I...” he goes back to sucking on Taichi's throat as if his words have defeated him, his fingers lying at the waistband of his trousers.

So, so close.

He's confused and lost and in turn Taichi realises that he's confused too. That none of this makes sense. He knows what he wants to do, what he needs to do, but he can't.

“Come here.” Taichi wraps his hands around both sides of Yamato's face, holding him steady. He knows he shouldn't but he's aching for him, desperate for his touch, desperate to close that distance between them. He kisses him then, slow and steady and meaning it with every inch of his body, his ribs tight and hurting; his heart breaking apart inside of him with every beat.

Because he knows the truth deep down. He knows that this will probably be the last time.

It takes all of Taichi's willpower to push Yamato away.

Yamato opens his eyes slowly. “What are you doing?” His head tilts to the side as he attempts once again to continue with what they were doing. Taichi holds him back. It would be so, so easy to just let him continue.

“Don't you want...?”

Taichi shakes his head. “No, I mean yes, so, so much, but not like this. And I don't think you do either.” Yamato opens his mouth to argue. “Not really.”

Yamato takes a faltering step back. “I guess,” a strange smile spreads across his face, “I don't know what I want in all honesty.” He runs a hand through his hair, his eyes wild and alert and he sounds heartbreakingly lost. “I don't know.”

Taichi sucks in a deep breath. “How about we just go and get that drink then and have a chat? Or sit in silence? Comfortable silence of course. Whichever you'd prefer.”

Yamato smiles at him then, “When did you get so smart?”

Taichi shrugs, “I've always been this smart, you just didn't notice.”

“I see,” he eyes him suspiciously, “I'd like that though, if you don't mind?”

Taichi nods.

After all it could be one of the last times they get to do this before the big decision.

-

It's the night before and the piece of paper is heavy in his hands.

Taichi leans back against his bed letting the paper fall to his chest. He's got less than 12 hours now to make his decision. Something that he's been decided upon since he was little, something he was so sure he knew how to answer since before he can even remember really; now all thrown into question by an unknown future that he was sure was all set.

On the one hand he can carry on exactly how he's always imagined, even before he and Yamato were together, he'd always decided that he'd be untethered, free to choose whoever he wants to be with in the end. But then he met Yamato and the choice narrowed down to just one, he and Yamato together, there's never been any question of anyone else and for so long now he's not wanted there to be either.

Now he's left with an uncertain future. He could choose to carry on how he is. Forget Yamato and look for somebody else, or he could do something that he's said he wouldn't do since that day way back when.

He could choose to be tethered, choose to be with somebody else. Quietly he traces the scars that belong to somebody else but mark him. He's never even felt close to whoever this person is. He's never even wanted to know who they are. But it would take the pain away, right? Take away the thought of seeing Yamato with somebody else.

His hands tighten around his sheets. That's what it all comes down to really, whether it's even worth having a choice if the one you want to choose is with somebody else.

That day after practice had been nice, the two of them had gone for a drink, chatted and it had all seemed normal. Yes he wanted to be with Yamato, but the truth is that as long as he got to be with Yamato, see him every day, be a part of his life, nothing else mattered.

Of course with Yamato's choice to be tethered none of that would happen. The choice was taken right out of Taichi's hands and there was nothing he could do.

Maybe the easy way out would be to take away his own choice too?

-

He feels sick.

His appointment is at 2pm and he's spent the morning pottering around, trying to distract himself online or by doing odd jobs around the house. His dad had gone off to work, wishing him luck as he did so, Hikari giving him a tight hug and telling him that whatever he decided was the right decision for him.

It felt good to be supported, good to be given the choice, it just didn't help him in the long run.

It's funny to think that in just a few hours he'll have made a decision that affects the rest of his life. Tethered or untethered. A choice between the two.

“How many times are you going to check that phone of yours? What are you expecting to see exactly?”

Taichi shakes his head at his mom. Yamato's appointment slot is an hour before his own and he's been hoping that at some point he'll message him to say goodbye, to say sorry, to ask him to give him one last chance? And okay, that last one is entirely doubtful and the longer that he goes without hearing from him, the more he realises that Yamato really has made his choice.

After all, they said goodbye the other day really, didn't they.

“So much nervous energy, honestly, you're making me feel the chills.” His mom wraps her fingers around his shoulders and then moves to ruffle his hair. “Whatever choice you make, your father and I will support you. There's no right or wrong choice.” He nods, holding back a threatening sob. “Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?”

Taichi pats her hand and says, “Thanks, but I think I need to do this one on my own this time. Time to grow up, I guess.”

“Never,” Yuuko looks at him and smiles. “But whatever you want.”

He leans back into her. “I got this.” Which is about as far from the truth as it can ever be. He repeats himself quietly anyway, “I got this.”

-

Considering it's a decision between two choices, there are a surprising amount of forms to fill in.

“Mr Yagami?” He stands up, his legs feeling like they're about to collapse at any second. “If you'll come with me?” He nods, his mouth suddenly bone dry and he wonders if he can ask for a glass of water? Or a second to go and splash some water on his face? But his feet are trailing after this woman, taking him down a path where he will have to make his choice.

He checks his phone one last time, nothing, and then switches it off.

“Just through here. If you'll just take a seat the doctor will be with you in a moment.”

“Thank you.” He takes the seat and shuffles through the forms in his hands as she closes the door. His eyes quickly scan the first sheet, he's ticked all the right boxes, signed and dated where necessary. Everything is ready, it's just up to him to say yes or no.

He closes his eyes. Why is it so hard to make this decision?

The door opens. “Mr Yagami, sorry to keep you waiting.” She moves to sit across the desk from him, shuffling some sheets of paper around and then holding her hand out for his own. She looks up at him once and then scans the first sheet. “Now I need to remind you that your decision today is final. I see you've made the choice that you wish to be tethered,” Taichi nods, feeling sick once again, “this means that you're choosing to meet your soul mark and spend the rest of your life with this person.” He swears he's going to throw up. “I understand how you're feeling, so if you'd like to take a few minutes to be sure of your choice?” She looks up at him then and he's sure she can read how uncertain he is just by looking at his face. He's done so much thinking, has spent so much time going back and forth, but it all comes down to this: he's chosen his soul mate, Yamato, there is no one else. So if Yamato has chosen to be tethered to his soul mark, what does it matter if Taichi is then still left with the choice?

She continues on, “But should you wish to change your mind now that's perfectly acceptable.”

He takes a deep breath and nods.

He's ready. He knows his decision.

-

The booklet he's been left with feels like it's about to slip out of his hands. His palms slick with sweat as he wipes them on his jeans and grabs his phone out of his pocket. He expected to feel different, changed, but nothing. He turns it on, lifting his face up towards the sky and allowing the shimmering sun to heat his skin. It's the first day of the rest of his life and his phone is going crazy vibrating in his grip all of a sudden. He looks down, some instagram and facebook notifications, a message off Sora, he scans it quick and smiles, she's chosen to be untethered after all; good for her he thinks, making her own choice. Followed by a bunch off Hikari, the first one asking him where he is. The second one asking why he's not responding.

More messages pop up and the name that sticks out the most to him, _Yamato_. Yamato has been texting him and, okay various missed calls off both Hikari and Yamato.

What does that mean exactly?

He scans the time of the first message, way before he entered for his appointment slot which means he must have lost signal for some time before and... what does it matter?

Now it's too late anyway.

His hand falls to his side just as it starts to ring and vibrate once again. He thought he'd feel better after he made his choice, that everything from before would fall away to the wayside. The phone stops ringing and then starts again after just a few seconds.

He turns it over in his hand, Yamato, swiping to answer and lifting it up to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Thank the... where are you?”

“I just got out of--”

“Never mind, I see you, I think... just... stay right where you are.” And then the phone goes dead leaving him with silence.

So that was weird. He hears slapping feet behind him and turns to see a flushed Yamato skidding to a stop before falling to hold his knees. He takes a step towards him. “You idiot.”

Taichi blinks but before he even has a second, Yamato is grabbing him. He pulls up his sleeves, moves aside his shirt collar and runs his hands around the back of his neck, shifting his hair as if he's searching for something.

Taichi lifts his hands up to stop him. “What, hey, what are you doing?”

Yamato stares at him wildly. “I'm sorry, okay. I'm so sorry. Just, just tell me you didn't do it. I've been trying to call you for forever, to stop you just in case. I mean...” He raises his hands to his head. “Please tell me I'm not too late. Please tell me you didn't choose to be tethered.”

“Oh.” It's about the most eloquent he can be right now. His mind spinning, his thoughts out of control. “You mean you didn't?”

Yamato shakes his head. “Of course I didn't. I couldn't. I choose you, alright.” He grabs his hands, holding onto him tightly. “I choose you. Over and over and over.” He takes a deep breath. “Please tell me that I'm not too late.”

A smile unfurls over Taichi's face. “You're not too late. I mean I was going to, I'd filled in the form and everything but--” before he can finish Yamato is kissing him. His hands hold him steady, tight, pulling him in, his mouth warm and wet and like coming back home all over again, leaving Taichi to realise why he feels no different, why he feels just the same as before; because this, this is everything he's been looking for, everything that means complete to him, right here in this person he loves.

Yamato pulls back to press his head tight against Taichi's own, foreheads pressed together. “I'm sorry it took me so long, but this, us, this is what I want. I know that now.”

Taichi breathes. “You just like the drama of leaving it all until the last minute.”

He pulls back. “Are you kidding me? I think I had about five heart attacks just looking for you in the last half an hour.” He presses his hand against Taichi's chest, fingers circling right over where his heart lays. “This is all mine though now, right? No more marks, no one else to try and claim you?”

Taichi wraps his own hand back around. “It's been that way for longer than I can even imagine.” He sighs, “It just took you a lot longer to figure that out, stupid.” Yamato opens his mouth to argue as Taichi holds out his hand. “ _Ah_ , _but,_ I'm glad you finally did.”

Yamato leans in to kiss him. “Me too.”

Taichi closes his eyes. This is all that he wanted; Yamato in his life, a promise, the endless possibility to touch him whenever he wants. He pulls him in, deepening the kiss, thankful that he gets this opportunity, thankful that from now on this is his life.

His phone starts to vibrate and call once again in his pocket. Yamato pulls back, as Taichi finds himself whining at the loss of contact, just far enough to be able to look Taichi in the eyes.

“That'll be Hikari. I'm surprised she's not hunted you down by now,” he shrugs, “or me, she definitely had some choice words for me when I told her my decision and tried to find you.”

Taichi looks down to find that sure enough, Hikari's once again trying to call him. The call ends and he types out a simple, _he found me_ , switching his phone off and dragging Yamato back closer to him.

“Now where were we?”

At least for the moment, now that they've chosen each other, he doesn't want to miss a single opportunity of being with the one that he loves.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to point out, technically they would be underage drinking in Japan, but apparently the laws around that are very loose and most bars really don't seem to give a damn about checking out ages when it comes to drinking. Of course this is only what I've researched, I can't say if it's 100% true and please correct me should I be totally wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> I realise I've done the one thing you requested, but this is not the end. I promise. I just wouldn't have been ready in time otherwise but didn't want to delay or disappoint. Chapter two will be up asap!


End file.
